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For all intents and purposes of not sounding like a whiny millennial fresh out of college, being an adult is hard. It’s also scary. Apologies if this is already something you knew.

I am unemployed. I suppose I sort of skipped that phase of life when I started my internship at InStyle for the summer, but now it’s my turn to actually experience this stage of my life. Although I’m not exactly unemployed. I write for Bustle at home while also freelancing for various publications. So there’s something.

But now that I’m at home much more often with an incredibly flexible schedule, it’s…different. Maybe it’s just the act of getting ready for the morning commute on a regular basis that made me feel like I was being a productive member of society. Instead, I spend the day in my pajamas or maybe workout, bare-faced and all. The only thing is that is not enough for me.

As someone who has been busy doing one thing or another my entire life, having much more free time in my life is a big adjustment. By nature of having to do something with my hands or make something, I’ve taken to sewing and knitting, or drawing, designing, painting, what have you.

The months since graduation have been somewhat of a blur, but if there’s one thing I remember, it was this sort of epiphany that I cannot live without a strong level of creativity in my life. Maybe it was all of the art courses I had taken in my last year of school, or just all the bubbling ideas I’ve gotten while driving or sitting around. Earlier in the summer I created a mood board (for those who don’t know, essentially an inspiration board or general collection of things that might amount to a specific idea or mood) for an application, and I realized how much I actually enjoy the creative things in life. I ended up going back and forth about what I wanted to do with my life, whether it was to stay in the editorial world and continue writing or move on to the creative side, developing a portfolio and working with the visual side of things.

After enough time, I realized that I wanted to stay in the editorial world, writing, editing and everything in between. However I also want to maintain a creative aspect to my life, and that means creating to my heart’s content. Of course, there’s also an entrepreneurial bug in me that’s begging to bite.

If college is where you discover yourself, the post-grad life is where it’s tested. My daily life tests that every single day, and the pressure comes down when you factor in the adult details, such as paying for rent, budgeting for expenses, finding a full-time job. While I find myself scanning job boards looking for editorial positions in the fields I’m passionate about, I also find myself looking through forums to figure out the best quality printer for creating prints at home, or working with Adobe Creative Cloud and asking for advice to start working more creatively.

I want to get back into photography, especially while I still have some access to the lab back at school. I just need to take more photographs, but lately I’ve been feeling uninspired by the innards of my apartment.

For some reason I chose to pursue careers that are incredibly based on passion, and while I don’t imagine myself doing anything different, I also wonder what life could be like if I weren’t so set on doing what I want to do. I suppose that’s the life of an artist.

In this time of new beginnings, I’ve also started putting down roots in Los Angeles. I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to be doing in the next month, let alone the next year. But somehow I began to accumulate more items out here as well as am investing more into this city. For someone who has lived the nomadic life of moving in and out of places easily, this is definitely different. I’m building a home here, despite not knowing what’s next.

It’s easy to give up and just lose hope of anything becoming fruitful, but at the same time I know that the best things come with patience (something I’m not very great with, truth be told). While this journey of uncertainty continues to move forward, the only thing I can do is keep myself from looking back. I’m not entirely sure what my next step is or where it would lead, but I’m sure it’ll be great no matter what.

Well this was certainly a stream of consciousness style post. Not really any main thread going through. But I suppose these are my evening thoughts right now…was this essentially me talking to myself? Probably.

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